Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Dealing with a toxic relationship...


So this is something that I've spoken about briefly in a few previous blog posts but I've never really got into any detail. After watching Carrie Fletchers video about a past bad relationship and watching the #hurtbae video I've decided to open up about my experience with toxic relationships and being cheated on. Obviously I'm not going to name my ex or speak maliciously of him but I am going to be brutally honest! For the purpose of this post we will call him 'K'. Let's get started. 

K and I started talking in 2008 and met for the first time in the summer of 2009, we didn't live too far from each other and we had a lot of mutual friends so our paths were bound to cross at some point. We were really good friends and then we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend this didn't last long as 13 year olds being at completely different schools, as you can imagine! We didn't speak too much for about 2 years and then K came back into my life at the end of May 2011, I'll be honest I can't remember how! We had both just got out of very messy, sour relationships so decided to take things slow and not make things official until we really knew it was what we wanted. On June 14th 2011, I remember the date so clearly as it was the day of a close family friends funeral, K cheated on me and slept with his ex. This straight away should have rang alarm bells for me but being a young naive 15 year old I didn't and he used the excuse that we actually weren't together so technically it wasn't cheating so he hadn't done anything wrong. 

We officially got together on the 23rd June and things with his ex started to get seriously tense. I was getting threats from her, abusive phone calls from her friends saying I'd broken up a family, I went to the park with K and his friends and she turned up and tried to start a fight with me, luckily I'm a peace keeper and managed to talk her out of 'beating me up for ruining her life'. This is also where the snide comments started to be made, especially when it came to my guy friends in bands! I've been a lover of music for forever and I always used to be in Birmingham at the o2 academy 3 watching whichever small town band was playing and I made so many friends but K didn't like this so he would passive aggressively make a comment about them or laugh and tell me not to cheat with them. His insecurities took over because he had cheated. At this point I wouldn't really say I didn't trust him, I had small doubts but it didn't bother me too much, it wasn't until a saw a message on his phone of him calling another girl gorgeous that I started to question things a little but I spoke to him about it and he understood that if the shoe was on the other foot he would have been going mental. He then changed all his passwords, but still expected to have all of mine! Things were okay for a while and the trust was building up again and we got engaged to make that extra commitment to each other, things continued to be good until I started work! 

K had a real issue with me working with a guy, we'll call him P! K thought P could give me everything he couldn't but I didn't want P, I saw him like a big brother and the thought of a relationship with him repulsed me a little bit, that was until K stopped paying me any attention! I lose interest quite quickly and I like to know people are interested in me or I don't bother trying so when P started showing a little interest, not sexual just friendly but more than K was giving me, I liked it and I wrote a diary entry about it and K saw it and completely blew everything out of proportion, he didn't understand that I would never have acted on this interest as I was completely head over heels for K we just need to spark up our relationship again! After this things weren't ever right again, my friends and family kept telling me how toxic and nasty things were getting but I just didn't see it! K would cause a full blown argument with me before I started work so I wouldn't want to go so I wasn't around P and if I was at work I was always accused of cheating, bearing in mind we taught children so it was in no way feasible that I was cheating! 

While all of this was happening K was meeting up with another girl behind my back and she was obsessed with him, so for obvious reasons I didn't particularly like her. I tried my absolute hardest to get on with her to keep K happy and then I found out he had been seeing her behind my back and I was furious. I never once stopped or tried to stop him from seeing her, she was his friend and I had no right to do that. I did not want to be as bad as him but when I found out he had been seeing her and not telling me it ended up in a physical fight, I was so sick of his lies and his accusations towards me when he was actually the one doing something wrong! It was a complete downward spiral from there and it got to the point where he would manipulate me and make out like no man would ever want me so I felt pressured to stay with him and then he would break up with me so I was alone thinking no one would ever want me and then I would go running back begging for forgiveness! 

The accusations that I was cheating on him with P got so bad that I almost left my job because I couldn't hack it any longer! Things really hit rock bottom when K, P and myself were at a friends party. P lived quite far away so he was going to stop at my house and K always stopped after things like this but K, as always, blew it out of proportion and said that he wasn't stopping because P was and he didn't want to get in the way of us sleeping together! I'd well and truly had enough by this point so I decided maybe we should take a break from each other for a few days just to clear our heads! This was the Monday, on the Wednesday and Thursday nights everything seemed to be perfect again we were back on our 'happy track'. I then woke up on the Friday morning to a picket dialled voicemail off K and the girl he had been meeting up with behind my back, he was telling her he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and her and in my anger I ended things completely got my dad and brother, I took my dad and brother because I knew if I saw red they would be the only ones who would stop me and calm me down, in the car and went to pick up any of my stuff that was at his house! I wish I had learnt my lesson and left things with him there but silly old me didn't.

I missed him, I loved him and I was being mugged off by him. He wasn't getting what he wanted from the girl he had been meeting up with but he knew he had me wrapped around his little finger and could get exactly what he wanted from me and I gave in and let him have it. At first it was strictly friends with benefits and then things got a little more 'lovey' and it turned into a relationship without the title as we didn't want to complicate things, I guess things were okay and it was probably the most faithful and trustful he had been even though we could have done what the hell we wanted so let's fast forward a year to us going on holiday together! August 2015 we went on holiday with my family and the whole time we were there all he did was text my childhood best friend, we'll call her B, talk about her, see something in a shop and say 'oh I need to buy that for B' I was literally being mugged off again and I did not see it! My leaving party came around and K and B were there obviously and they were so wrapped up in each other, my moms friend asked what was going on and I was foolish enough to believe him when he said nothing! 

Looking back now I completely see the hold and control he had over me and how naive I was to it all, I knew deep down it was true but I didn't want to believe it! This was somebody that had been a part of my life for 7 years and I did not want to throw that away. When it came to actually moving to university I was still being told by K and B that they weren't together and they had no desire to be either but about a week into me moving away I got a message saying they were getting together and giving things a go and I'm completely proud to sit here and say that it didn't particularly bother me, I knew it was coming and I knew that I could do so much better than both of them! I didn't need friends that would hook up with my current/ex partner and I didn't want a partner that would lie and cheat but I would be lying if I said it didn't break me a little bit, not because of what they had done but the emotional and mental scarring it had left, that sounds so dramatic I know but it's the only way I can think to describe it! 

That toxic relationship really knocked me for six, 18 months on and I still struggle to open myself up to someone new and be vulnerable to somebody else. I'm so scared that I'm going to be made out to be a mug again but at the same time I know not all men are like the boys out there, I've spoke to a few boys who treated me the way K had since things ended completely with him and it's safe to say I ended those before I let them get any further. Being cheated on is probably the worst thing anyone could ever do as it makes you question yourself so much, I still do now! What did I do to deserve that? What was I doing wrong? How was I a bad partner? If he cheated on me why wouldn't anybody else? Letting somebody in again can be so so scary as you have to build those foundations again and you have to slowly lower your barriers to them and they could turn out to be the same kind of boy or they could turn out to be the most wonderful man you'll ever meet. You've just got to take those risks and make that leap of faith! 

Leave the partner that cheats on you even if they say you'll never find anyone better, of course you will and they don't deserve you! Get rid of the boy who accuses you of cheating when you so blatantly obviously haven't, it's probably because they have a guilty conscience! Don't ever let anybody bring you down and make you feel like crap, your partner should uplift you and cherish you and no it's not always going to be perfect but the good definitely should outweigh the bad and if it doesn't you need to re-evaluate things! Your own self-worth means so much more! 

Much love as always!


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