Tuesday, 5 January 2016

What is this feeling?

Lately I've been feeling really uninspired about writing on this blog, I've got numerous posts sat in my drafts that I haven't published because I don't feel like they're good enough or like they are the wrong sort of content to post on a blog and people would judge them and then I sat with my Chummy last night talking about it and I decided that this is my blog, its my outlet and I'll post what I want, no matter what people think of it! I also got a new laptop for Christmas so its a hell of a lot easier to blog now! So I'm back!

Anyway! Today's post is about the sticky situation that is relationships! A while back I got out of long term relationship, one that while I was in it I wouldn't have necessarily said was bad, it wasn't until I left this person that I realised what a shitty thing we had. I spent most of my teenage years on this person and left the relationship feeling lower than low about myself. This person had made me feel like I was nothing, like no person would ever want me again. I think this is the reason I'm writing this because I know there are so many people out there that are feeling the same way I did and that really upsets me, how can someone who claims they love you make you feel so shitty about yourself. I felt like I would rather be with someone who would cheat on me, call me names and be downright awful than with no one at all. I needed this person to love me so I wasn't alone, to the point where they started to accuse me of cheating with someone I worked with and I was going to leave my job for them. I left this person because I caught them cheating again, I think by this point being alone looked so much better than being with someone who made me feel so horrible. It was really difficult and it hurt so much, walking away from someone who had been such a huge part of my life, not just as a partner but as a friend as we had known each other for years previously. The first month or so was the hardest but then after a while I started to see how negative this person was and how much happier I was without them, it was weird being single but I was in control of my own life again. My friends and family all said that I was a completely different person, in a good way. I couldn't have done it if I hadn't have found the courage within myself to actually tell this person where to stick it and this is what I'm trying to get across, no matter how much you love someone and hate the thought of being alone, if they make you feel worthless and shitty or they think its okay to cheat on you because they know you'll take them back, you are so much better off being alone! No one should make you feel like that constantly and you deserve so much better!

After leaving this person I swore I wouldn't talk to anyone for a very long time because they are all the same, they all treat you like crap and then leave making you feel even worse. I couldn't be put through what I had gone through for 4 years again with someone else. I didn't have the confidence to talk to someone else and I did strongly believe that no guy would ever want me, I was scarred from this horrible relationship, I had way too much baggage! Then the other week I matched this guy on Tinder, (CRINGE I know, haha) we got chatting and honestly this guy has made me feel so good about myself in the few weeks that we have been talking than my ex ever made me feel, he has restored my faith in men! I'm not getting into this too much as things could completely fizzle out or could go amazing, its early days! My point is not all people, guys or girls, are shitty people and will treat you like crap. Not every relationship you have will go downhill and be negative, not all relationships will work out but have a positive impact. Someone will always come along and make things better, make you feel amazing about yourself and I'm a true believer that there is someone out there for everyone, whether you find that person at 16 or 60, as Plato famously said;

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” 

Be yourself, say what you want to say unless its like offensive or going to upset someone then keep it to yourself, don't let other people hold you back, always fight for what you believe in, follow your dreams no matter what others think and remember you are amazing despite what other people may say!

I hope reading this helps someone who is struggling or is feeling down about themselves! 

Jess x

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